For many years, I have struggled with trusting God. In my mind, I always knew what was best and had the better plan. I had my whole life planned out! I was (and still am) a dreamer. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I let those dreams and my plan become too important to me. My dreams were going to be realities; no matter what. My plan was going to happen; no matter what.
I was afraid. I was insecure at times. “I have to be friends with _ or else I won’t be popular!” “What if somehow I ‘miss’ the opportunity to marry?” “What if I speak out about Christ and am made fun of?” I know, I know, its super dumb…But I seriously thought it! Thinking those thoughts, I realized that I lacked trust and security with where God had me. I didn’t trust that he knew who my friends should be. I didn’t trust that He knew who my husband will be. I didn’t trust he knew what he would protect me, or give me strength to endure teasing. I didn’t trust…I didn’t trust…I didn’t trust…
I recognized this weakness, and I was sick of it. I was sick of doubting, I was sick of lacking trust, I was sick of feeling like I had to measure up to a certain person’s standard. “God I know you’re trustworthy in my mind! Why can’t I know it in my heart!? “ Finally, I did the only thing I could do: Pray and beg God to help me learn to trust Him.
The Bible tells us numerous times, “Ask and you shall receive.” That doesn’t necessarily mean if we ask for a million dollars we’ll get it (that’s a whole separate issue), but it means if we ask God to grant us something that helps us become more like Him, and we have faith that he will help us, he will grant us our prayer.
Since the time when I first started praying, God started working. The lesson I learned wasn’t easy. It took some heavy blows and some difficult situations to teach me that God knows best. But God proved His trustworthiness to me over and over. Just by granting me what I asked for, he proved that he is trustworthy and faithful.
As I look back on the last couple years of my life, I see how God used SO many things to teach me to trust Him. He gave me the friends he knew I needed. He gave me peace with my future. He gave me strength and bravery to share about him to others. He showed me that moving to Zambia IS what is best for my life. I could share story upon story…
Although the journey learning to trust God thus far has been tough, it was (and is) definitely worth it. Now, my life is so much more content and joyful. I’m not afraid of what God is going to do with my life. I’m not so stuck in my dreams that I’m not willing to let God be in control. I feel carefree. Not in the sense that I don’t have a care in the world, but in the sense that I don’t have to worry about tomorrow, about today, about anything regarding my life, because I know that God is in control; and I CAN trust him!
My job is to seek God with my life, not to seek myself. And if I wait patiently and listen, God will reveal to me His plan. I already see him doing that now. Since I have learned to trust Him, God has shown me so much! I have learned the gift God has given me (see… “Compassion…My spiritual Gift; What’s yours?”). I have learned how God is using me and my gift in the here and now. I’m still praying about how God will use my gift in the future.
People ask me all the time, “So, do you know what you want to do when you graduate?” I don’t mind the question at all! It gives me an opportunity to talk about what God is doing in my life, sometimes to people who may not know Him! My response is something like, “Nope. Not yet. I know that God has given me this gift. I also know that my main calling, if I have a family in my future, is to be a wife and mother. But I am still waiting on the Lord to reveal to me whether or not I should get a degree and what he wants me to do before I have a family. I’m learning to take my life one day at a time…because who knows what tomorrow will bring? I know what things I would be interested in pursuing if it is God’s will, but again, I can trust that he knows what is best for my life. God will show me in His time what His plan is.”
I have a lot more weaknesses I need God’s help with. I can’t wait to see what he does to grow me and draw me closer to Him in these areas! I can’t wait to see what he does with my life!